dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
