she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
