Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize