we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
