It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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