I faked an abortion last night.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
