been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
