I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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