just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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