At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
