My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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