it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
