You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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