he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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