Don't make out with my wife yet
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
