I think I died a long time ago.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
