The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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