he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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