I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
