So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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