He disabled his match.com account in front of me
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
