Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
