I should be sponsored by Trojan
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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