Welp...herpes.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
