I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
