I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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