So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
