So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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