Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
