Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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