He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
