How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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