After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
