Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Randomize
