Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
