The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
from now on my penis is your penis
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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