I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Yo dont text me then not text me
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
