I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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