do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
