it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
