I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I didn't shave. On purpose
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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