I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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