Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
