i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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