Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
