Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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