There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize
