1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
