No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
please come you make the beer taste better
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
