I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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