Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
