im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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