I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
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