HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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