I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
