Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
