There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
