billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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