I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
