I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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