Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
