so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
