Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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