I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I just forgot I was standing up.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
