my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
