My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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